Do you know who the shortest people in the Bible were? How long did Cain hate his brother Abel? And what time of day did God create Adam? Most importantly, do you love Christian humor? With one of the richest histories of all time, Christian stories have the most potential to be developed into humorous jokes and quips.
So here’s a compilation of some of the best Christian humor from the web, because even if someone doesn’t identify as a Christian, we can all still appreciate a good, clean, joke. So from the dawn of mankind, to modern society, to the Ten Commandments, check out the best, side-splitting Christian humor out there.
Society is changing, and what was once socially acceptable is now taboo. Christians can no longer freely talk about religion without feeling judged or put in a box, which is why this comic is so reflective to how most of them feel. Freedom of religion is one thing, but many Christians don’t feel free to talk about their versatile views.
The comic makes the point that 30 years ago, religion was less controversial. “30 Years Ago – The Bible is the word of God and I believe what it says.”, with the other person agreeing, compared to the present “The Bible is the word of God and I believe what it says.” “Bigot”.
Good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat! It’s only proper to say a prayer before digging in, especially when it’s frosted donuts, nachos, fried chicken, cheese steak or cheeseburgers. As nourishing as salad and fruit can be, surely God wants us to enjoy the fruit of his labor – such as amazing combinations of sugar and carbs.
It’s only right to give thanks to these delicious treats, especially in comparison to the granola, Greek yogurt, and carrot sticks that we could be eating. If God wanted us to eat healthier, he wouldn’t have created donuts, french fries, and deep fryers, correct?
The Atheist & The Bear
Ready for a solid joke? An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. ‘What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!’, he said. As he continued walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground….
The Bear, Continued
‘You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?
‘…The man rolled over to pick himself up, and was terrified when he saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. He feared for his life, and despite not believing in God, he felt desperate. At that instant the atheist cried out: ‘Oh my God!…’ Time stopped. The bear froze. A bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky:
The atheist looked into the bright light, and contemplated his next steps. He waited, and then had an idea. Rather than he be the Christian, he asked God: ‘Well, since you believe it’d be hypocritical of me to ask you to treat me as a Christian, perhaps instead, you could transform this angry bear into a Christian?’
‘Very well, ‘said the voice. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: ‘Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.’
Adam’s 10 Commandments
As an alternative to the traditional, here are Adam’s 10 Alternative Commandments. First, God knew that he needed to create a partner for Adam… because Adam would probably get lost into the garden (as men hate to ask for directions).
Second, God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote to browse channels, so he finally created created Eve. Third, since God knew that Adam would always wear the same, ragged fig leaf, instead of buying a new one, Eve would be created so she could run out and buy one for him.
Adam’s 10 Commandments, Continued
God knew men would hate doctor appointments, so Adam would never go out of his way to make a doctor’s appointment. He also knew that Adam would never bring the trash out, not knowing what garbage night is. Because of that Adam, or any man, couldn’t be trusted to bear children.
Though Adam was ‘Keeper of the Garden’, Eve would need to be the organized one, since Adam would always forget where he put his power tools. After creating Adam, and realizing all of these things would happen, what really inspired God to create Eve was because he realized that, hey, he could do a lot better!
Over the past thousand years, we all learned a lot from Noah’s Ark… let’s keep those lessons fresh! First lesson is obviously, make sure that you don’t miss the boat! But at the same time, remember that we’re all in the same boat. And plan ahead! It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
Make sure you build a future on… high ground. Travel is pairs, and remember that speed isn’t always to advantage. Why else would God create snails? When you’re stressed out, just take a float, and although the Ark was built by amateurs… the Titanic was built by experts.
The Girl And The Grandfather
One night, an elderly grandfather was reading his young seven-year-old granddaughter a bedtime story. While he was reading, she ran her hand across his crinkled face. He continued to read the book as she poked at his wrinkles, then stroking her cheek in unison, and eventually asked, “Grandpa, did God create you and me?”
“He did, sweetie,” he said kindly, putting the book down, “But of course, God made me much longer ago.” She looked a little confused, then asked, “Well, he made me too, right?” Her grandfather nodded. “Ohhh…” she laughed. “God must be getting better at this.”
One day, a mother was playing volleyball at the local gym. She asked her five-year-old son to promise that he would be a good boy while she played, with no running or any kind of horse play. Whenever she turned around however, he was sprinting around. She walked up to him, snagged his arm, and then told him that he needed to keep his promise.
She approached her son, grabbing his arm, reminded him of the promise he made to her. When she told him this, he looked up innocently, and said, “Well Mom, I used the promise up.”
When attending a wedding for the very first time, a little girl asked her mother about the ceremonial attire. She leaned over during the ceremony, and whispered to her mother, “Mommy, why is the bride’s dress so white?” The mother smiled, and replied, “Well sweetie, because white is the color of purity, joy and happiness.” The mother smiled again as the bride walked up the aisle, and said, “Today is the best, happiest day of her life.”
The young girl thought for a minute, before leaning in and whispering to her mother and asking, “So Mommy… why is the groom wearing black?”
The Ten Commandments
One Sunday morning, a Sunday school teacher was talking about the Ten Commandments with her students. She explained the concept of the commandments and their origin, before elaborating on the specific commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother”. To further try to strengthen the lesson, she looked out at the students and asked, “Kids, can any of you name a commandment that helps teach us how to best treat our siblings?”
One little boy, crossing his arms and grumbling answered, “I can think of one.” The Sunday school teacher, smiling, asked, “which one?” “Thou shall not kill,” he immediately replied.
Piece of Quiet
One Monday morning, a father was running around her house trying to get ready for the day, when her daughter followed her around, asking her question after question. When the girl followed him to the bathroom sink, where he had just finished shaving, she asked him what he was looking for as he was digging through one of drawers. “What do you need, what do you need?” she continued to ask, until he finally, a bit annoyed, replied “how about some peace and quiet?”
The little girl walked away for awhile, and in the distance, he heard her opening and shutting drawers. The girl returned with a sad look on her face, and said, “Sorry Daddy, I couldn’t find any pieces of that anywhere.”
A kindergarten teacher brought her class in for a “show and tell” assignment. The students were all told to bring in an object that they could share with the class. So each student decided to get up in front of the class, the first one being a young kid named Sammy. Sammy said, “I’m Jewish, so I decided to bring in the Star of David.”
The next student went up to the classroom blackboard, and pulled out a Rosary from her pocket. “I’m Jessica,” she said. “I’m Catholic, so I brought in a Rosary”. Finally, a young kid went up to the front of the room, carrying a container. The boy pulled off the lid, and announced to the class, “I’m Johnny. I’m Methodist… so I brought in a casserole.”
One afternoon, a married couple took their young daughter to see some dinosaur bones at the Natural History Museum. They approached one of the exhibits, and the mother explained to the girl what the bones were, and where they came from. The girl, examining the exhibit, pointing and asking questions to her parents about the dinosaurs.
The daughter, when seeing one of the exhibits of a large and smaller dinosaur, pointed at it, with the father explaining the circle of life and saying, “See, that big dinosaur is eating the smaller one.” The daughter then, without missing a beat, replied with “Wow, he must be going to hell!”
A little child, when paging through her mother’s old Bible, found a wilted, dried out flower. Excited, the girl ran over to her mother, waving around the flower. The mother, who was on the phone, waved her away, and continued with her conversation. The child continued to point at the flower, while gripping the Bible, tugging at her mother’s dress.
The mother, who finally became extremely exasperated, held her hand over the receiver and demanded to know what was so important that her daughter interrupt the phone call. “Mommy, Mommy,” the little girl said. “This Bible came with Adam’s clothes!”
A grandmother was sitting in her armchair, sewing, when her grandchildren were in the kitchen, filling up a bowl with water and various ingredients. The grandmother paid little mind, but overheard them talking about adding more salt, more sugar, or both. “Maybe we should put some oil in it,” her grandson David suggested.
“No, we should add in some orange juice,” insisted his sister, Stephanie. The children were making a lot of noise, and intrigued, the grandmother asked what they were doing in the kitchen. “We’re making Holy Water!” the kids called over the sound of them mixing and slamming bowls about. “How do you make Holy Water, grandma?” Stephanie asked.
“Get regular water and just boil the devil out of it!” she replied, going back to her needlepoint.
The Pharaoh’s Daughter
One day, the Pharaoh’s Daughter was walking to the bank of the Nile. The villagers, who were astonished to see her in public, all watched her walk through the small town and villages, making her way to the bank, hands in her pockets. The daughter seemed like she was keeping to herself, not making eye contact with anyone as she walked up to the bank.
“Excuse me,” she told the bank teller, who was also dressed in Egyptian garb. “Yes, what can I get for you today?” the teller responded. “I’d like to draw out a little bit of profit,” she replied.
Man Versus Woman
At the start of time, God created the Earth in seven days. Then, he took a break. Upon resting, he decided to create Man. He of course was Adam, and Adam and God, most exhausted from the creation of mankind, decided to take another break. Shortly after, God had the idea to create woman.
Adam, who had been relaxing in the Garden of Eden since he was brought into the world, had his reservations about introducing another human to the environment. “Well God…” he asked. “This isn’t going to cramp my style, right?” God assured him that everything would be fine. So God created Eve, and since the creation of woman, neither man or God has rested.
Do you know who the shortest people in the Bible were? Easy — Bildad the Shuhite (shoe-height), and Nehimiah (Knee-high-miah). What about Cain? Do you know how long he actually hated his brother? Easy — as long as he was Abel. What about when Adam was created? What time of day did God create Adam? Well, it was a little before Eve.
Do you know why God chose to create man before woman? He just didn’t need to be told how to do it. What about Noah and the chickens on the Ark? Why did he need to discipline them? Well, because he didn’t like that they were using fowl language. And before Boaz met Ruth, what kind of man was he?
He was ruth-less.