Ahh. Homegoods! Everyone’s favorite way to waste time that they don’t really have to waste. There are so many fun things to look at and buy there, before you know it, several hours could be gone.
Everyone’s home could use some sprucing up from time to time, but Homegoods can really turn a few needed changes into an all-afternoon shopping spree for the weirdest, most impractical home decorations.
While some might consider Homegoods the greatest store on earth, we went through the shop and saw a handful of things that raised an eyebrow.
Just a Minute
“I’m just going to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I’ll be back home before rush hour even starts. In and out. Ahh no! Why did I go the way that takes me by Homegoods? Now I’ll have to go inside! Oh well!”
“Oooh! Baskets! I clearly need a few more of those to hold all my crafting supplies. I’ll just pick up one of two — nothing too expensive. But look at that one! It’s so cute and it matches my living room SO well! It’s kind of expensive, though. I think I can swing it if I skip Starbucks tomorrow.”
“What do people even do with these things anyway? Do they just keep them around their house for decoration? Dang, I feel like people who do that must really have their lives together. I should become like one of those people! They’re like… real adults or something like that.”
“I could really use a throne to sit on. After all, I’m the queen of my house. If I had a chair like this one I could make all of my family members bow down to me! I deserve that after all they put me through every single day.”
“These lamps are so beautiful! I could definitely incorporate them into my bedroom decor. They don’t really match, but it doesn’t really matter. Not matching is super meta and postmodern, anyway. This is like… my effort to express myself. Who really cares if my lamps match my window curtains!”
A Weekend Escape
“If I had a beach house, I would DEFINITELY buy these pillows. They’re so cute and nautical! I should really look into buying a beach house. I would totally spend every weekend there. Do you still have to pay taxes on a house that you don’t live in during the week? Yes? Forget about it.”
“I could totally use some more pillows. Never mind the closest I have full of them at home. I can definitely fit these in there too. Pillows are just so nice and cozy. You can never have too many pillows! At least I’ll be in a nice soft home if the zombie apocalypse happens or something.”
“I should pick up a few vases so that I can become one of those people who always has fresh cut flowers out around their house. And I could ever start having nuts and candies out in little bowls on all the coffee tables! Wait… who am I kidding? I would never do any of this stuff.”
On Second Thought
“On second thought, these vases are super cute. I could definitely become a flower person. I should buy these. No, I HAVE to buy these. I need them. My home needs them. It was meant to be. The gods are calling down to me to buy these vases. It’s important.”
A Total Remodel
“This living room set would be absolutely adorable if I lived in a teeny tiny apartment in the city. Maybe I should consider downsizing? Is it ridiculous to sell my house and move to an apartment just so I can buy this couch? It probably is. Bye bye, escape fantasy!”
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
“Is waiting in this line really worth it? I didn’t mean to buy any of this stuff to begin with. Maybe this is the universe letting me know that I need to put it back. I don’t have the money anyway. Oh, wait… the line is moving now. I’ve already come so far — I may as well go ahead and buy this stuff!”
“Is this supposed to be a nest? Or some kind of little egg contraption? What do people even do with this kind of thing? I don’t care. It’s adorable. I’ll take one in every color, please. Oh, it costs HOW MUCH? Nevermind, Homegoods. You can keep your wicker chair-egg-basket-bed thingy.”
“There is just way too much stuff in here! Beautiful, wonderful, glorious stuff. I need all! Where will I store everything, though? I’ll just have to go check out the cabinet section to find something nice and practical. It shouldn’t cost too much; this is Homegoods, after all!”
“Why does Homegoods have so many different cutting boards anyway? Shouldn’t they just stick with one or two simple designs? Or do people actually care what they look like? Why would you? They just get all cut up and scratched after a few uses, anyway! People make no sense!”
Fit For a Queen
“Now THIS is a really great mirror! I could totally see this hanging up in my bedroom or hallway. That way, I could admire my perfection every morning as I’m walking out the door. Or my flaws… probably my flaws, TBH. Who was I kidding with that silly perfection part?”
A BIG Fan
“Can someone please explain to me WHY you would need a giant, $4,000 mirrored elephant? Please? This store really confuses me sometimes. How did this even end up in here? Do people really spend money on this kind of thing? Well, on second thought, it’s pretty cool. It would go well in my front yard.”
“I don’t NEED new china, but I really want it. I don’t have any right now. What will I give my nonexistent children one day? I’m sure they’ll be super angry if they grow up only to find out that I never saved any china for them? Isn’t like that… super important to some people?”
Light It Up
“My house could really use some more lamps for the winter. It gets so dark and sad in there! Just a few extra lights will really make it a lot cheerier in there. Do I have enough power outlets to plug them all in? Can someone please remind me to grab a power strip on my way to the checkout?”
“Maybe it’s time for me to give my kitchen a quick refresh. Homegoods has so many beautiful table settings. That would really help liven things up! A splash of color is all you need to pour some new life into a space, right? Look at these plates over there!”
“All this shopping is making me tired. Do you think the employees would mind if I took a nap in the pillow aisle? I’m sure people do it all the time.”
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