Tiffany & Co. Released A Home Product Line And It’s Absolutely Ridiculous

It’s okay to splurge on things now and then and pay a little more for something that’s good quality. But would you drop several hundred dollars on a paperweight or pencil sharpener? Tiffany’s is offering a plethora of items in its new Everyday Objects collection, but you will not believe how much they’re charging for “paper” plates and cups. One of their most outrageously expensive items is modeled after something you probably have in your kitchen cabinet!

Silver Bendy Straw – $250

Why sip your favorite beverage out of a plastic straw when you can drink out of one made of sterling silver? According to Tiffany’s, “This whimsical design is a fun and festive addition to the home.” That may be true, but is it really necessary to have silver straws at home? Perhaps if you have a really special guest, they may enjoy using one. And as a bonus, you can get the straw engraved with up to three letters. Or you can get 100 colorful, flexible bendy straws from Amazon for only $2.25. They even qualify for free shipping.

Italian Pizza Cutter – $165

Even the rich and famous enjoy eating pizza. But if you really want to make an impression on your guests, why not use a pizza cutter made of sterling silver? Feast your eyes on the Padova pizza cutter by Elsa Perreti. Named after the Italian city where it’s made, this utensil will only set you back 30 percent of your paycheck. The good news is that shipping is free, and if you don’t like it you can return it. If you check on Amazon, you can purchase a nice stainless steel pizza cutter from Utopia Kitchen for just $5.99, which will also ship free to your home. It doesn’t matter if you use silver or steel, you’re pizza will still be delicious because hello, carbs.

Shiny Tin Can – $1,000

ah, yes, finally the gods have listened and bestowed up us this shiny tin can. This is probably one of the most ridiculous purchases you can get from Tiffany’s. They don’t even try to disguise what it is they’re selling: it’s a tin can. Sure, it’s “upgraded” in sterling silver and “shining vermeil.” But seriously, why would anyone possibly need such a thing in their life? On their website, Tiffany’s shows the can holding pencils and paintbrushes. But who in their right mind would by a pencil holder for $1,000? Po tip: you can make your own pencil holder at home after you eat some chicken noodle soup or Spaghetti-O’s. You’re welcome.

Paper Plate – $950

We find it particularly interesting that Tiffany’s calls this a “reimagined” paper plate. Made of sterling silver, the company says it’s “infused with modern wit.” Maybe they meant modern stupidity? Who would pay this insane amount of money for a plate? You can buy a pack of 300 paper plates from Walmart for four cents a piece. Yes, four cents. Sure, the silver plate will last for many years while the paper plates are disposable, but clearly, you wouldn’t actually want to eat from the silver plate. It looks as though it’s mostly used for decorative purposes. Paper plates may not be hip, but they’re cheaper.

Ruler – $450

Wouldn’t you just love to send your child to school with a ruler “elevated” in sterling silver? Maybe you’ll be swayed because it’s embellished with American walnut? Can you imagine letting your kid carry $450 worth of school supplies in their backpack? The thought is insane and enough to keep us up at night while we weep over our looming student debts. Students have a tough time keeping track of their books and pencils as it is, much less a ruler that costs as much as a monthly car payment. We’re not trying to tell you how to live your life, but wooden and plastic rulers are rather inexpensive, and you can get them at the dollar store.

Whimsical Pillbox – $500

Would you like to take your pills in the morning and evening in an elegant manner? Then you may want to buy a pill box with a “whimsical Tiffany twist.” Made of sterling silver, this tiny box is sure to make you smile every time you look at it (or cringe because it cost so much money). Of course, it does include braille, so that might make it more cost-effective. Um, nope. You can buy one from Walmart or Amazon for 99 cents. They are plastic and might not look as good on your nightstand, but you could use the $499 for something else. Please, literally anything else.

Pencil Sharpener – $275

Every little (rich) child deserves a (sterling silver) pencil sharpener when they go to their first day at (private) school. This one from Tiffany’s features “diamond-point textured trim” that “adds interest and elegance” to the object. But wait, there’s more! The item includes three Tiffany Blue pencils! Isn’t that a bargain? Not really. An aluminum pocket sharpener is available from Walmart for $1.48. If you want a bigger one that collects the shavings, you can expect to pay a few dollars more and still be able to afford lunch after.

Bookends – $325

You’ve probably seen similar cheap metal bookends at libraries and other spots. Well, Tiffany’s has recreated them in “engraveable” sterling silver. Because why wouldn’t you want to engrave a set of bookends? The company calls the bookends “minimal” and “chic.” We agree with the first description but not necessarily the second. They look suspiciously like the metal bookends we grew up with (that can be purchased for $5 or less). If you’re going to buy fancy bookends, why would you buy ones that look like this? There are much better and much more interesting, options out there.

Ice Cream Scoop – $375

Tiffany’s describes this ice cream scoop as being made of “luxe” materials. We agree sterling silver and American walnut does seem a bit luxurious for this kitchen utensil. You can only find it at select Tiffany stores and online at Tiffany.com. If you’re afraid it’s going to sell out, you better snap one up quickly, but keep waiting and reflect on your life’s choices. While you’re reflecting, consider opting for one of the many other options at Amazon. They have anti-freeze scoops, left-handed scoops, aluminum scoops, and more. They have a variety of scoops, fancy or plain. While they range in price depending on the quality of the scoop generally, they run about $15.

Marker – $750

Both kids and adults need markers from time to time, so why not buy one in sterling silver? Perhaps you can be persuaded by the fact that it’s refillable with standard size markers? No? Well, Tiffany’s thinks people will pay close to $800 so they can write on a poster board. Or fill in a coloring book. It’s true, it’s hard to find a good marker that will last a long time and finding a marker that just feels good is one of life’s simple pleasures. But c’mon, but a pack of Sharpies for $3 at Walmart.

Ice Bucket – $1,200

If you entertain groups of friends with delicious beverages, an ice bucket is nice to own. You can serve drinks to your guests with the little bucket on the wet or dry bar. But if you really want to impress your pals, you can buy a lead crystal and sterling silver ice bucket from Tiffany’s for a mere $1,200. It also has the word “ice” emblazoned on it just in case people don’t know what it is. Because it could just be an ordinary bucket. No matter what, you can get a perfectly suitable, functioning ice bucket for about $20 to $30 at many stores.

Cup – $575

Have you ever wanted to sip a beverage from a sterling silver cup? Here’s your chance. Unfortunately, Tiffany’s silver paper cup is not suitable for hot liquids, so coffee and tea are out. Walmart, on the other hand, has a variety of different cups at a much cheaper price. Want some for St. Patrick’s Day? Get eight of them for 16 cents a piece. They have cute lavender ones for just 15 cents each. There are also other seasonal favorites for Christmas, Easter, and essentially anything your heart desires for similar prices. But owning a silver paper cup would bump up your status – for a mere $575.

First Aid Box – $600

Most people have first aid boxes in their homes. And if not a box, at least they have a drawer or cabinet in the bathroom filled with first aid supplies. You can keep items such as band-aids, burn cream, aspirin, and ointment in there in case someone needs medical attention. But wouldn’t it be awesome to pull out a sterling silver first aid box from Tiffany’s to treat one of your kids? The company calls it a “whimsical” twist on a household necessity. But the last thing someone cares about when they’re hurt is what type of box is holding the bandages.

Protractor – $475

This sterling silver and American walnut protractor from Tiffany’s is described as having “sleek lines.” Most of the ones we used in school were plastic, and they worked just fine. And if you lost it, it was no big deal because they only cost a couple of dollars. This protractor, however, probably feels pretty good in the hands because silver weighs more than plastic. And it’s likely that it makes very nice lines. But we don’t think it’s worth the asking price. We’d rather have a sterling silver figurine to put in a curio cabinet than a protractor that stays in a drawer.

Paperweights – $375

For only $375 you can get not one but two magnifying paperweights. Who actually uses paperweights? They’re mostly for decoration, and unless you’re a collector they’re not very interesting. Wouldn’t it be more fun to spend that kind of money on dinner, a movie, and a hotel room? They say people are more satisfied with experiences than purchases, so this paperweight would literally be dead weight shortly after you received the package in the mail. Sure, it has the cool magnifying feature. But that’s what reading glasses are for. But there’s got to be somebody out there who’d want to buy this, right?

Table Tennis Paddle – $650

Okay, this one’s kind of neat. And if you’re a big table tennis fan, it might (in a teeny, tiny way) be worth spending a few bucks on a good paddle. The Tiffany’s one features leather and reclaimed American walnut. There are also sterling silver engravable plaques on them (they come in pairs) in case you want to add your initials. As a bonus, you also get three ping pong balls with the order. The question is, how durable are they? Will the leather stay strong during continued use? Or are they really just for show? This is the type of gift rich people give each other.

Golf Putter – $2,350

Tiffany’s recommends that you, “Tee off with this timeless design.” There’s no doubt that if you showed up to the golf course packing this little baby in your bag, you’d get a lot of attention. But you’d also have to keep an eye on your clubs to make sure nobody would steal it! Putters come in all sorts of styles, and they range in price. You can get a decent one for $50 to $100. The most expensive one on Amazon is the Williams Golf Oxfordshire Milled Gold Putter 2016 Right FW16 35, which costs $760. But that is still considerably lower than Tiffany’s golf putter.

Dog Bowl – $175

Seriously, does Fido really need to drink water or eat food out of a $125 dog bowl? It doesn’t matter that the bowl elegantly reads “dog.” on the side. It’s truly ridiculous to drop that kind of cash on this sort of thing. However, a lot of people pamper their pooches. To them, money is no object when it comes to taking care of their pets. They spend top dollar on the best veterinarians, groomers, dog sitters, and dog walkers, so why wouldn’t the shell out a few bucks for a fancy dog dish? If Fido’s happy, everybody’s happy.

Box – $900

This sterling silver and vermeil box is modeled after the famous Tiffany’s box. We can see how collectors and Tiffany’s aficionados may be interested in an object like this. But most people would have no interest in dropping nearly $1,000 on a tiny square box that doesn’t fit much inside. It’s definitely a showpiece, but it could easily collect dust on somebody’s dresser. There are a lot of other things you could spend that kind of dough on and feel like you’re getting your money’s worth, such as a pedigree dog. Seriously, buy the box or choose a furry companion.

Hourglass – $650

This glass, American walnut, and sterling silver hourglass is yours for a mere $650. There is something romantic about hourglasses. You can turn them over and meditate as you watch each grain of sand slowly filter from one end to the other. But how many people do you know that actually have these objects in their houses? The first sand hourglass was purportedly created in Alexandria in 150 BC. This particular one lets you known when 15 minutes, 30 minutes, and 60 minutes have passed. It may have been used in ancient times, but it’s obsolete now.