Best: Ocean Beach, San Diego
Welcome to the Whale’s Vagina in beautiful San Diego, California. Who doesn’t like the beach? Probably the deranged and confused. And it’s definitely a beach city: you can see surfboards, shorts, and flip-flops year round. The area is also extremely green friendly as well. Bob Marley t-shirts and reggae beats can be found throughout the souvenir stores.
Ocean Beach offers the goods: a plethora of craft beer, hippies, fishing on the pier, surf, and dashing young women and men. Bring your significant other on a romantic walk on the beach where you can unleash your love for one another. After that, enjoy one of the many coffee shops and bars that the almost touch the sand.
Worst: Lubbock, Texas
Have you ever been so bored that getting your leg chopped off starts to sound appealing? If you are unable to relate, take a stroll through dullsville, Lubbock, Texas. With a city motto of “The Giant Side of Texas,” you can only imagine the highlight of the city being a KFC.
Why Are You So Boring?
If a Kentucky Fried Chicken is the highlight of the town, what is number two? The South Plains Fair, of course. Cow-tipping, dating your sister, and Budweiser drinking contests abound. These are among the many activities you will find within the extravagant fair grounds. Treat your worst enemy to a one-way flight to Lubbock, Texas and leave them there.
Best: Downtown, Seattle
Arts, culture, rain, coffee, and a Space Needle?! A Space Needle! Walk down any street and you will trip over a bar, coffee shop, or a tourist taking a picture of a Starbucks. The area is highly dense with artist and musicians. Dive into one of many music venues and you will find some of the most interesting bands.
The School of Cool
One of the coolest things about Downtown, Seattle is that everyone is too cool for school. You will feel inferior to everyone’s coolness, but with a three night’s stay, you be the epitome of “cool.” You will head back to your hometown in hipster boots, a jean jacket, ripped Levis, and urban sombrero. Although, after leaving Seattle, you will realize how ridiculous you look.
Worst: North Las Vegas, Nevada
So, you want to go to Vegas, but you don’t have the funds to thoroughly enjoy yourself. Look no further than North Las Vegas, Nevada. Although you will not thoroughly enjoy yourself, at least you will be able to tell your friends that you went to Las Vegas. Just leave out the “North” part.
Can We Leave Yet?
North Las Vegas’ only claim to fame is that it is north of Las Vegas, and there is a mountain or two. Head to the nearest liquor store to your Motel 6. Purchase the biggest bottle of Popov vodka you can find and just drink yourself to sleep until it is time to head home Sunday morning.
Best: Bushwick, New York
New York City? Long Island? Never heard of them. How about Bushwick, New York? Now we’re talking! Popular music in Bushwick is Mariachi. How awesome! With a predominantly Hispanic crowd, you will find lots Venezuelan and Colombian eats. Of course, there are plenty of bars and coffee shops to entertain as well. Ditch the tourist traps for the local flavor of Bushwick!
Do We Have to Leave?
One of many really awesome things in Bushwick, New York is art. It is everywhere! Art galleries and street art are abundant throughout the neighborhood. The Bushwick Collective is responsible for murals all over the city. So, get your selfie stick and pollute all of your friends’ Instagram accounts.
Worst: Chesapeake, Virginia
“I really love swamps,” said just about nobody in the history of mankind. But, if you are one of those hipsters that likes what the majority could not care less about, head to Chesapeake, Virginia. Digest the breathtaking swamp scenes and lack of arts and culture that resides in Chesapeake, Virginia.
So, you have been in Chesapeake, Virginia for three painfully boring days. You frequented the local sandwich shop, Subway, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You decide to check out the swap scene and it is love at first sight. The thick smell of still water, the quietness of the luscious greenery that surrounds you has stolen your heart. Chesapeake, Virginia is now your favorite city… then you wake up.
Best: Lakeview, Chicago
Move here to become a Cubs fan. Hop on the bandwagon to a World Series champion organization and forget that your baseball team is a tribe of losers. Of course, there are other perks to moving to Lakeview, Chicago. Stylish homes, theaters, pizza, and high rent. Come to think of it, just visit Lakeview.
The Cubs Suck
You moved to Lakeview, Chicago in 1908 to hop onto the Cubs’ bandwagon, as they just won the World Series for the second consecutive year. It is now 2016. You are 130 years-old and they have not won a championship yet. Time to move to San Francisco to become a Giants fan.
Worst: Lakeside, California
“Mom, I want to grow up to be a redneck meth dealer.” It is very important to support your child, so move to Lakeside, California. What used to be the meth capital of the world, this San Diego suburb is a place where art and music take a back seat to cheap booze and cow herding.
Not What It’s Cracked up to Be
So, your meth lab has burned down. Now what? You join the FFA (Future Farmers of America) and start a farm. Raise a bull to join the Bulls Only Rodeo down the street and become Lakeside royalty. Or, better yet, completely avoid this place and pretend it doesn’t exist.
Best: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Avoid the tourism and expensiveness of Miami. Fort Lauderdale, Florida is a dream come true. Of course, the booze is way too expensive and you need to drink a ton of it to forget how expensive it really is. But, the beaches are awesome and the people are attractive.
I Need Gills
Yeah, Florida is muggy as hell and you need gills to breath sometimes. Fort Lauderdale is a great destination as a nine-hour layover to another destination. The place is really for bachelorette get-aways. So soak up the sun, grab a future ex-wife and get the hell out of there.
Worst: Mesa, Arizona
Mesa means table in Spanish and Mesa, Arizona brings nothing to the mesa. Cacti, deserts, dirt, sand, more cactus, and McDonalds are about all you will find in this hell-hole. A 20-mile buffer zone separates this city from civilization in Phoenix. Gee, I wonder why.
Of course, McDonalds is not the only place to eat. Although, it may be the safest place to eat a well-balanced meal in this ghost town. Millie’s Cafe delivers the goods on less-than-appetizing food. Make sure to order their famous Banana Cow Gizzard entrée. It is to die for. Or of.
Best: The Mission, San Francisco
Do not call San Francisco “San Fran” that is hella uncool. The Mission has tons of culture, arts, eats, and Dolores Park. The park is a hilly playground for adults. Beers, slack-lining, tossin’ the pigskin with the bros, and plenty of (recently legal) marijuana cigarettes. Get hella hyphy in this urban hood.
On second thought, don’t be. Rent is extremely high in San Fran (do NOT call it this) and it seems as though everyone is wasted in this town at all times. This, of course, is great for vacationers; you can get hella crossfaded with the locals on pretty much any night/day of the week. Does anybody actually work in this city?
Worst: Fort Wayne, Indiana
Some people forget that Indiana is even a state in the US. Some may argue that it is not a state. But, in fact, it is. You can purchase a three bedroom house for under $20K. Now, I know what you are thinking. Pack your bags, you’re selling your over-priced beach house in southern-California for a steal-of-a-deal in Fort Wayne, Indiana.
No Turning Back
You cannot move out of California and move back. That is financially impossible, so now it’s time to make the best of Fort Wayne. Check out the Moose Lake Christian Craft Village. After 13 minutes of absolute boredom, take a tour of DeBrand Kitchens chocolate tours. OMG, the possibilities are endless.
Best: East Austin, Texas
Austin is musical heaven. Home to SXSW (an all-out musical take-over of the town), plenty of craft brews, and plenty of music venues to keep your music-loving self occupied. Get the hell out of Lubbock, Texas and you will be pleasantly surprised that Texas isn’t just a cesspool of cows and rednecks.
My Ears and Liver Hurt
This is quite common. There are over 250 live music venues in Austin, so you will definitely be overwhelmed. People may say, “Don’t feel like you have to see it all,” but they are wrong. Dead wrong. Feel obligated to step inside every venue and brew pub or your trip is a complete waste.
Worst: Stockton, California
Oy, what a mess. Practically bankrupt, this town has bit off more than it can chew. Building too much in a short amount of time, the city couldn’t afford itself. Some may say this is the most miserable place in the US, but Stockton, California has a lot of potential.
Let’s Visit in Five Years
Stockton will eventually have everyone eating their own words. This isn’t a Cleveland Browns situation where all hope is lost. There is plenty of prospects brewing. A relatively new ballpark, hotels, ice rinks (ice rinks!?), and a new parking garage (who cares?). This town will be on the Top Ten Best list.
Best: Somerville, Massachusetts
There seems to be a common theme with the best neighborhoods: they all have tons of cool places for alcoholics to eat and drink. Somerville, Massachusetts continues the saga. With a “small town” appeal, this youthful urban dwelling has an array of bars and restaurants to get your consumption on. Oh, and it’s artsy as well? Score.
Get It While It Is Hot
Seattle and San Francisco have become so cool that they are becoming uncool. Look at Jamba Juice and Starbucks. Somerville is on the rise. With new restaurants and bars opening every month, this place is on it’s way to being uncool. So, get in while it’s hot… and… cool?… wait, what?
Worst: Cherry Hills, Colorado
“Oh my goodness. Nancy, we are moving to Cherry Hill, Colorado.” You and your retired wife are moving to Cherry Hill, Colorado. Why? Because this is where you go to die. There is a 6.2 square miles of town to hop-scotch around. Your options are open to everything, but your choices are nothing. You’re both over the age of 70, so hopefully it will all be over soon.
Everyone loves golf. That is one hundred percent factual information. Luckily, you and Nancy are new residents of Cherry Hill, Colorado where golf is the talk of the town. This little nugget of a suburb has hosted the PGA Championship twice (1941 and 1985) and the locals are still buzzing about it.
Best: Highland Park, Los Angeles
Los Angeles sucks. Traffic, smog, more traffic, bad air, too many cars, pollution, congested streets, etc. Of course, smelLA has plenty of great neighborhoods. Highland Park is as cool as it gets. Record stores, over-priced thrift stores, beer bars, and taco stops are everywhere. Although once you arrive, never leave, because you can’t.
But I’m Stuck
You can’t leave. There is traffic EVERYWHERE. You are missing your flight tonight because you should have left yesterday morning to get to the airport on time. But look on the bright side, Highland Park is bad ass. It is cheaper in comparison to most “livable” areas in LA. So, snag a cheap apartment and never leave the city, because you can’t. And this is why LA is overpopulated.
Worst: Mount Carmel, Tennessee
The best part of Mount Carmel, Tennesee is that the name almost says, Mount Caramel. The worst part about the place is that there is not a mountain of caramel. That being said, you may sense that there is absolutely nothing to do in this city of dreams. It’s called the “City of Dreams” because the best thing to do here is sleep… all of the time.
You just slept through three consecutive nights in Mount Carmel. You just had nothing better to do once you found out there wasn’t a mountain of caramel. Who could blame you? The strange thing is, you just slept for 78 hours straight and you are still tired. Welp, two more days to go. Sweet dreams.
Best: Portland, Oregon
Duh, of course, hipster central is going to make the list. Portland, Oregon has the highest percentage of people who commute to work on their bicycle in the country. The town also is home to countless bars, coffee shops, and unique eateries. Similar to Seattle, most people are too cool for school and are miserable because they only see the sun just under twice a year.
I Hate Myself and Want To Leave
Yeah, and you probably should. After four straight days of clouds, rain, booze, strip clubs and coffee, you are feeling like a miserable turd. Luckily, Portland is beautiful. Hug as many trees as possible to remedy this. Also, purchase some loafers and a Subaru so that you won’t get beat up.
Worst: Ladue, Missouri
With a cost of living so high, no one but old rich dudes wants to live here. With under nine square miles of land, Ladue, Missouri is the epitome of misery. More like, Ladue, Misery! Ha! Get it, guys? Maybe your career path requires a sugar daddy or mommy. Well, pack your skimpiest attire and head out to this ravishing town.
Everyone Is Married!
Yeah, that wasn’t mentioned, was it? There is a lot of marriage going on here (probably cousins and sibling stuff). Over 72% of Ladue’s population is married. So much for your entrepreneurial plan of being a housewife/househusband. Now, what do you do? Get the hell out of there, or try and get adopted by one of the married couples.